If You Say So
by dare-to-dream-xx
Summary: The aftermath of Finn's death, Rachel's thoughts and feelings, and a very unexpected person helping her to cope, and possibly love again.


Pain. It was the one feeling that Rachel Berry knew all too well. She'd become so accustomed to the ripping, gnawing feeling at the pit of her stomach that she'd almost become numb to it. But now quite. Many nights, Rachel would lie awake, staring at her bedroom ceiling and thinking back on the last four years of her life. Back when everything seemed so simple; the hardest decision she'd have to make was what solo she'd want to perform in glee the next day, or which facial moisturizer made her skin the softest. When she'd spend all her spare time in the auditorium, staring into the audience and dreaming about what her life would be like after graduation.

Everything seemed to change in an instant.

Rachel thought the day Finn put her on the train to New York was the hardest day of her life. The love of her life looking into her eyes and telling her that he had to let her go; she knew it was probably harder on him than it was on her. The emptiness Rachel had felt for the next couple of weeks was almost too much for her. She had no one; her hour long conversations on the phone with Kurt were the highlights of her day. It wasn't until Kurt finally came to New York that she started feeling like maybe - just maybe - her expectations of New York might now be completely ruined. But something was still missing.

The next few months seemed to fly by. Finn came back, and left again. She'd spend all her off time either working out, sleeping, and singing in the shower. She'd gotten a job at a diner as a singing waitress, and still managed somehow to keep a 3.8 GPA. It would have been a 4.0, had it not been for the retched Cassandra July and her constant attempts and ruining Rachel's life. Things were finally starting to look up. That was until she'd gotten the phone call. The one phone call that completely shattered her world, and left nothing behind but the broken peices of Rachel's existance.

"Finn's gone." Finn's mother, Carol, had whispered into the phone.

The two words rung in Rachel's ears like a bad song that you just couldn't get out of your head. At first she couldn't believe it; she didn't _want _to. She'd just seen him a couple months before at Mr. Schuester's wedding. Talked on the phone with him a few nights before. They were discussing the possibility of the two of them trying to make it work. Finn said he'd drop everything and come to New York. Work at a garage in Manhattan. They could be happy together. It was all either of them had ever wanted. And now, that sweet possibility was gone. All that was left was what could have been.

The day she'd recieved the phone call seemed like a complete blur. As soon as the words escaped Carol's mouth, Rachel's phone slipped out of her phone and hit the floor. How could this happen? Nineteen year old boys don't die. Especially not _that _nineteen year old boy. Kurt saw the color drain from Rachel's face and immeditally retrieved Rachel's phone to find out what was going on. "No," Kurt whispered, sobs escaping his mouth. He hung the phone up and grabbed Rachel in a warm embrace. Tears fell out of Kurt's eyes, while Rachel's remained dry. She was still processing it all. The love of her life, her best friend, was just... gone. She escaped Kurt's embrace and turned, walking into her room and locking the door. She sat on her bed, eyes focused on the pattern of her bedspread. It wasn't until the next day that she was hit with the pain and realization of what had happened.

The last conversation between she and Finn played over in her head. "So, do you really think it would be a good idea for you to come to New York? I mean... we tried that already, Finn. You hated it here."

"It's not that I hated it. I just felt... I don't know; insignificant compared to you, I guess. You had this entire life established. I felt like there was no place for me in it." Finn mumbled on the other side of the line. That statement nearly broke Rachel's heart. She hated herself for making him feel that way.

"There's always room in my life for you, Finn. Despite everything that happened, I said it before. You're my first love, and I want more than anything for you to be my last." It was true. She was hesitant at first to reveal her feelings for Finn, but she couldn't hold them in anymore. "Well, I should head to bed, Finn. It's getting late."

"Okay," Finn said. "I love you." He stated, after a breif pause.

The words brought the biggest, cheesiest smile to Rachel's face. "Love you more."

She could almost see the crooked smile she loved so much through the phone. "If you say so."

She heard a light knock on her door, bringing her back to reality. "It's open," Rachel mumbled. Kurt walked through the door with two cups of coffee in his hands. He handed one to her, and she simply stared at it. He placed it down on her bed side table and sat on the foot of her bed. It was silent for a few minutes - and Rachel recognized this silence as the 'calm before the storm'; the eerie, quiet moment before you're hit with the bad part.

"Carol said they don't really know what happened. She thought he was sleeping when she went to check on him... but by the time the sun went down she knew something was wrong. They're... waiting on the autopsy reports to come in." Kurt said, obviously not having any sort of sympathy for Rachel's feelings. Why should he? Finn may have been Rachel's boyfriend - well, ex boyfriend - but he was also Kurt's brother. But the pain that he felt was different that the pain that she did. "They want us to go home for the service. Would you be okay with that?" He asked, looking over at Rachel, who was still staring down at her bed spread.

"Would I... be okay with that." She mumbled. "Would I be okay with going back to Lima and seeing Finn's body in a casket? No, Kurt, I don't think I'd be okay with that." She wiped the first tear that fell from her eye since she'd recieved the news. "I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this!" She yelled, springing up to her feet. All the pain that she'd felt numb to the previous day came flooding in, and it hit her like a heart attack. "Finn is _dead, _Kurt. Gone. And I'll never get to see him again. I can't hold him, kiss him, I'll never get to tell him I love him more than he loves me." The tears were flowing harder than ever, and Rachel's entire body was shaking. "And I can't feel his hugs, or hear his laugh. I can't do _any _of that anymore! Because he's fucking dead! I can't go to Lima and see all of our friends, and his family because he won't be there!" She screamed and collapsed into Kurt's arms, sobbing hysterically.

-

The next six months were hard for Rachel - that was until she got the lead role in Funny Girl. She knew this could be the one thing she could do to make Finn proud of her. That was her motivation behind everything she did. When she heard the news that Glee club was ending, she knew she'd have to go back to Lima one more time before the show opened to show her support for Mr. Schuester and her friends in the club. When the train arrived in Lima, a strong sense of deja vu hit Rachel. It brought her back to the day where Finn had left her at the train station. It overwhelmed her so much she felt like she could have cried.

Seeing everyone perform their songs for Glee club's 100th lesson filled Rachel with nostalgia. She kept glancing over at Finn's chair, picturing him sitting in it and smiling over at her. Instead of feeling sad, she'd just smile, remembering all the good times they had in Glee. It made them who they were - made them fall in love. The emotional final glee performance in the auditorium really brought Rachel have all the feelings she'd once had about the club and how special it was to her. After everyone left, she sat on the edge of the stage, staring out into the audience.

"_I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong... I've known it from the moment that we met..."_

_"...no doubt in my mind where you belonged..." _Rachel turned her head to see Brittany walk onto the stage, smiling slightly. "It's a beautiful song, Rachel." She sat down next to Rachel. "I know this has to be hard on you. Being back here, seeing glee end. It's hard on all of us. But probably harder on you."

Rachel smiled, nodding slightly. "Um, yeah, it is. Glee made me who I am. It brought me and Finn together."

"I know, Rachel." Brittany put her arm around Rachel's shoulders. She smiled slightly.

"I just miss him." Rachel let a few tears fall from her eyes. "Why are you still here, anyway? I thought you hated me."

"I never hated you, Rachel. Santana and Quinn told me they'd lock me in my closet if I didn't pretend like I hate you. I love everyone. Except Sarah Palin. She scares me." Brittany said. The girl's innosence made Rachel laugh. She wiped her eyes. "How about we go eat at Breadsticks? You look like you haven't eaten in weeks."

"Sure, sounds cool." Rachel smiled for what seemed like the first time since she'd gotten to Lima. 


End file.
